hashtag:resort employee

Originally written for ThoughtCatalog sometime in 2014. 100% true, still makes me cringe.

I work for a resort in the mountains. It’s beautiful, serene, and also full of people with incredibly full bank accounts using only half of their brain. It’s a mad, mad world we live in.  Some of the questions that I have been asked are absolutely  baffling; some of the requests are incredibly ridiculous. And at the end of the day, I still love my job. Deep down. Like ocean trenches deep.

When renting a moped:

“So uh… where is the, like, reverse?” 

YOU are the reverse and now I’m worried that I have rented to a moron. This is a two-wheeled, street legal, motorized scooter…do you really want to back up on that all willy nilly? Let me change your mind and rent you a bike.

“I know you need a license… But he’s 17 and doesn’t have a license; could he rent a moped?”

You’re kidding right? Do you let him drive your Mercedes? Oh you don’t? And why not? These aren’t my rules, they are the LAW. And if I let your trust fund baby drive one of these bad boys without a license, real law CONSEQUENCES come back on not only you, but also ME and my college bank account. So no, he cannot rent a moped.  He can ride on the back and hold on as long as the driver HAS A DRIVERS LICENSE. Final answer.

When dealing with owners:

“We’re owners, don’t we get a discount?” 

Uh I’m sorry, you made the conscious decision to shell out HUGE sums of money to be an “owner” and NOW you want (expect) a discount? Sorry dude, no dice.

“Couldn’t you just do it for me? Yours looks so great!”

This one needs a brief history. While working an event I was stationed at a craft booth, mindlessly gluing. Trophy Wife Number 1 comes to the table. She starts just grabbing supplies and then just PLOPS THEM DOWN IN FRONT OF ME!

“Is there somewhere to warm my towel?”

It was the middle of summer… How about you try the SUN? Giving out towels is not my job, I work for a separate department of the resort. However, while visiting a coworker who does indeed, hand out towels to our guests, a man stopped me and presented me with this inquiry.

Miscellaneous inquiries from the deep:

“So like… Have you ever “done it” on one of the courses?”

 Contrary to popular belief, RESORT WORKERS AREN’T CONSTANTLY GETTING’ DOWN. My god. You sir, are inappropriate.

“I know the rental is by the hour but I only used (insert outdoor equipment here) for half an hour…”

If I had a dollar for every time I heard THIS stupid sentence, my student loan would be paid and I could retire at 27. When you signed the wavier, you agreed to pay. I’m not spewing the information about the rentals for MY benefit. Trust me, I’m well versed in the procedure INCLUDING the price.  Sucks to suck, the full charge remains on that cute black card you’re tossing around.


Images from Pinterest. Author does NOT own. Pinterest search: baffled why faces


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